Friday, April 19, 2013

Big numbers begin

So I had a total meltdown last week in the days leading up to my 35th birthday. Looking at those two numbers, knowing they describe me, seem totally unreal. I was mostly upset that I felt so upset. Why wasn't I happier at this stage of life? Why was I so sad to turn 35? Thankfully, I got over it before my actual birthday so I could thoroughly enjoy it.

I went off Facebook in an attempt to surround myself with real life people that I want to build relationships with. Not that the 400+ friends on Facebook weren't meaningful to me (I am a softie and can remember why each one is special) but time and life circumstances have not been permitting that I actually spend time with these hoards of people and so in the middle of it all, I really felt lonely and isolated. The thought of getting a hundred "Happy Birthdays" from people was making me anxious.

I did not want to experience an artificial high from getting all sorts of attention that day, just to be left with more people that did not acknowledge me during a regular week.

As it were, I got 5 texts and 2 calls from those who I'm actually close to. Who I enjoy spending time with.

Well, another new experience happened on April 13th. I was told by my husband in advance that he would be planning my birthday activities and for me to please just let him do that. I planned to have no expectations and tried and mostly succeeded at having no control for one day. What an exercise in release! I am so used to being soooo responsible for everyone every moment of every day that perhaps that was the best gift of the day.

It began with kids heading to McDs with Dad while I rested at home (sleep in was the plan, our puppy Lucy did not quite allow that). Next, the kids excitedly gave me their gifts. My husband gave me an orange (carrot) teapot and 2 mugs. I've been wanting a teapot for 2 years. I loved the style he chose but on his assurance that he did not care at all if I exchanged it, we went to the mall and I picked a great blue of the same style. Later I went for coffee with my sweet Mama and she returned me home to go for a "hike" which soon revealed a lovely surprise party with some wonderful friends! My husband even chose my favorite appies to serve at the party. It was perfect. I felt very loved and treasured. It was a great day.

Wednesday, April 10, 2013

Going off Facebook and back to Blogger

I've thought of going off Facebook before but didn't want to lose all the photo albums I took the time to create. So, I did a little research and found out that I can deactivate now and everything stays the same and then I can reactivate later. I don't think I'm swearing off Facebook forever but just until I get my life in a better balance.

I thought if I blog, at least I'm using my mind to compose actual sentences and I can still record what's going on in my life without getting a flood of information all at once.

I am pretty hard on myself and I want to do a GREAT job as a mother, all while realizing that each individual child must make his or her own choices, mistakes, and life direction.

I put so much pressure on myself to not "mess them up" for their future but I also fully recognize that they are going to remember bad times, remember me needing a nap everyday, yelling, being on Facebook too much haha, and I desperately need to just let it all go. When we first had a baby, we always prayed that they would belong to God, so Lord, help me not to get in Your way!

So here's a picture of half of my lil bosses in a very sweet moment reading together.